HHypatia

[HHypatia]

How much time can we wait for someone?

How much of our time, mind and we soul can give to someone?

How much of our piece and quite can we sacrifice thinking if they have eaten, sleeped enough, are safe, are healthy?

How much can you love someone from a distance?

How much can we hurt our souls waiting for them to see, to see how much of our love surrenders them?

How many nights can spend praying to every little piece of the universe for their happiness?

How much of ourselves, of everything that composes us can we give them?

How much can I wait for you?

How much time do I still have to offer you?

How many years, months, days, hours, minutes or seconds will it for you to notice that I have been here, right by your side all this time?

You don’t know what you mean to me.

You don’t know how many times you have been the lighthouse in my darkness.

You don’t know how many times your phone calls and your messages keep my safe from my own mind.

You know that for a time now, my heart beats faster only at the sound of your voice.

You don’t know that everything something bad happens over there I stop breathing until I know that you are fine.

I will never have a grand speech for you to choose me, because I don’t think that I am worthy.

I will never come and just surrender my soul to you, with you knowing it, because I am damage goods and I don’t need another crack.

I am dark and twisted, but so are my dear, and this makes us the missing piece for each other.

I may be fantasising about all of this, but then why do search me, why do you feel the need to tell everything good or bad in your life.

We both know that our souls clicked when we meet, but we are too damaged to recognise that.

[HHypatia]

We hope and then we hope again, and again. But how much can we hope?

How much further can we go with the hope?

How much can we risk?

How many times do we let ourselves be fragile, be raw in front of someone, only for them to take that for granted and leave us?

How many times do we let ourselves get hurt until we realise that we not good enough for anyone?

How much can we burn that little hope, that little bit of dignity, that little piece of real selfs until we say: “I had enough, I am at the edge?”

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do we let other people sneak into our life when we know that they will probably hurt us?

Why do we open ourselves and let them see insecurities, damages, sharp edges, broken pieces and lots, and lots of disappointments that we had over the years?

Why I am doing this to myself? Why I am in this position again, and again? Why do I let people in?

I asked all of that questions 4 months ago, one day after my birthday.

4 months ago when I had the courage to crack open the door to my true self for somebody.

They made me feel horrible on my birthday, they made me feel like I was, unlikeable, undesirable, unlovable, unwanted.

Now, again, after 4 months I let someone else crack open the door.

I let them and I got burned again.

I am not angry at the person, I am not mad at them, I am mad on myself.

Why the fuck did I think it was going to be anything different?

Why did I thought that someone, other than a few people would like me and accept me for how I am.

I am broken goods, unworthy of love, affection, attention, care and everything that it is good in this world.

But I think that should stop dreaming and wanting a person that will accept me with all my flaws. I am not the girl that will get the perfect person for them selfs and live a happy life.

I am the girl that will always have a mask made of smiles, laughs and seemingly carefree life. Because if someone would dare to look inside they would see the damage and the destruction.

I asked myself why do we still do all the things above and I think that the answer is for intimacy and for hope in future.

Today I lost all of that.

Today I decided that I will not open myself to anybody, ever again.

Today I ask God, Allah, Buddha or how else you want to call it to help me do that.

I did not asked for the pain to away, I know how to survive on pain, I have lived with pain all my life.

I asked the Divinity to help me not to open myself to people again, because that’s where I need strength.